Things to Consider Before You Remarry Your Ex

Legal Lotus - Family and Trial Attorneys

Most divorce couples likely have no desire for much post-marital contact. The marriage is over and done, and both parties are happy to move ahead with their lives. However, there are rare instances when a couple, albeit divorced, still feels a connection – a bond not broken by the divorce decree.

Studies have estimated that 10 percent of divorcees will get back together. How realistic is even that low figure?

Why Couples Get Married Again.

Most divorces occur when expectations in either partner fall short. Something is missing, and we hope for more. However, a couple may soon realize that life outside of marriage is not necessarily better; it may actually be worse.

A second reason a couple may get back together is that even if there were serious problems during the relationship, the wounds have healed. The pain is no longer overwhelming, and the good memories resurface.

Sometimes the physical aspect of marriage was great, and people can mistake lust for love.

Why Do Couples Change Their Minds?

Every couple is different; however, once the divorce dust has settled and the parties are on their own, they may find they miss their partner. This is especially true if they were married for a considerable time and used to each other. Loneliness surpasses anger as the primary emotion.

At this point, their thoughts turn to “what if …” What if things had been handled differently? What if they had worked harder on their marriage? What if the partner wasn’t the only one at fault?

Why Even Consider Reconciliation?

  1. Some divorcees have worked on their personal growth and have genuinely grown as a person.
  2. Time has permitted the partners to leave past mistakes behind and forgive and forget. They realize they still have positive feelings for their less-than-perfect ex.
  3. It is not unusual for a divorced couple to remain close to the former in-laws, which can accelerate a reunion.
  4. Divorcees can realize that while marriage may not have been perfect, it was better than not being married. A warm body can trump a cold bed.
  5. Living single can be difficult, especially if one is still surrounded by married friends.
  6. The parties realize that they divorced too quickly without working to resolve their problems.

What To Consider Before Remarriage?

The desire for remarriage does not ensure that it is the right decision. A study in Psychology Today revealed that 60 percent of couples who remarry fail a second time. Those statistics aren’t good, but a couple genuinely intent on making a second marriage work can turn it into a success.

  1. You may be lonely and tired of spending New Year’s Eve alone with a cup of cocoa, but that is no reason to rush back together. Take the time to get to know each other again. Notice the things you failed to notice the first time around and take note of the changes in your ex-partner.
  2. This time around, make the relationship a top priority. Spend time with a marriage counselor and be honest about what went wrong the first time.

Beating The Statistics

Spend at least a year “dating” and talking. Discuss what went wrong and what changes both of you need to make. You are building a new foundation for a new relationship.

Both of you probably have undergone changes following the divorce, but you are, in fact, still the same people who were unable to live together previously. He may still leave his socks on the floor. She may still refuse to be ready on time. Annoying habits die hard. Be realistic about your expectations.

Here are some suggestions to shift those odds in your favor:

  1. Don’t underestimate counseling. You can always learn more about yourself and your partner. You want to avoid marrying a second time while carrying old baggage.
  2. Work specifically on issues that caused the chasm in your first marriage. Was money the problem? How will you handle finances the second time around? Was infidelity involved? What is your plan to regain each other’s trust?
  3. The more issues you resolve, the better your chances of beating the odds for a successful remarriage.

Who Was To Blame?

It’s easy – and perhaps personally satisfying – to blame one’s partner for the divorce. That is especially in cases involving infidelity. While nothing excuses hurtful behavior, it may be helpful to take a good look at our own.

Could we bear a share of the blame? Sure, he or she was unfaithful. But might we have been argumentative, critical, and cold? That is not to be taken as an excuse, but it is something that needs to be looked at. It takes two people to get married, and it takes two people to bring about a divorce.

When There Are Children

Many exes may consider the children as the primary reason for getting back together. They rightfully conclude that children benefit from the presence of both parents. But subjecting the children to the same arguments and tension that existed prior to the divorce is not looking out for their best interest.

Good Reasons For Remarriage

People do change. If the changes are positive and genuine, the new relationship may work. This includes changes in behavior and attitude.

If both partners accept the responsibility for what went wrong, that can serve as a solid foundation for a second try.

A first marriage can begin with starry-eyed, fairytale expectations. Perhaps after some maturing, both partners have developed a more realistic view of marriage. Counseling can clarify one’s hopes and expectations. The fact is, there is rarely a happily ever after. The best marriages take work and thought.

If you are considering remarriage, be prepared from opposition from family. These family members stood by you when you were at your lowest and maybe angry at any mention of reconciliation. Be grateful for their concern and keep reassuring them you will create a successful marriage this time around.

Conclusion

Remarrying one’s ex can be fraught with problems. However, with effort and excellent communication, a happy ending is possible.

The legal process can get difficult, which is why we always recommend that you seek the assistance of counsel; or at least have a consultation. Schedule a consultation with one of our attorneys today to review the issues of your case, the legal options you may have, and certain rights that pertain to your unique situation.

Have more questions? Let us know by sending an email to: questions@legallotus.com and we will do our best to develop content to provide you with direction and insight!

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